Nightmares

Had a terrible dream last night.

I'm 29. I've been divorced now about six months. But it's been about a year and a half since I had a miscarriage.

When I was dating Billy, everyone was happy. He was wonderful. A total dream. The perfect man. When we got married, things started to change. He was getting more and more controlling. He'd call my clients' offices wanting to know if I was there, just to know where I was. Any dinner meeting or even a lunch meeting ended up with us in an explosive argument. He criticized my weight, what I ate, what I wore, how my hair and makeup was done, how I slept or spoke or breathed. He even criticized how long I showered. It was horrible.

Worst part is, at first no one believed me.

You see, I've got a history of mental problems. Depression mostly. Anxiety. Survivor's guilt. A touch of paranoia.

My sister, Dana....when I was 17 and her 23 we went to a party. She drank too much but I didn't realize it. Dana had a drinking problem and the only people who suspected were the two girls she shared an apartment with at college. She lost control of the car and we crashed. Long story short - I lived, she didn't.

I blamed myself. Sometimes I still do. I was her sister, her best friend. I should have known. But I didn't. For a long time I felt like I'd failed her. Not so much now, though sometimes it's still hard.

I ended up on medication and in the hospital for a while. So when Billy started being a bastard, I found out he was telling people I was having problems again. That I was saying things I didn't mean, things like that. So people believed him over me.

When I found out I was pregnant I was delighted. Billy, not so much. He got worse. And when I miscarried, he told me he was relieved.

Everyone tells me that things like miscarrying just happen. I blame Billy. I did then and I still do. The stress, the fear, the upset. It's his fault. But maybe it's for the best. It might have been harder to leave then. And maybe I'll get a chance again in the future.

My friends began to dwindle. No one listened to me. My mother did, because she said it wasn't like when I was having problems. Melissa and Jennifer did. They even hid a nannycam and tape recorder to catch him doing his yelling, screaming, cursing, hitting everything but me bit. It proved to be excellent help in court because he had so many people vouching for him.

I had friends telling me it was in my head. No way could someone as perfect as Billy act like that. One even told me to just learn to deal with it - he's a lawyer after all and rich. So, I have Jennifer, Melissa, and Mom. That's all I need.

The nightmare...I dreamed I woke up because someone kicked in the door. It was Billy, and he came after me with a butcher knife. I woke up screaming, expecting to find blood all over. It was just a dream, but now I'm up for the day. I can't go back to sleep after that.

I guess I have enough to give anyone nightmares. I don't know. It's awful. I'm afraid that he will do something like that. But he probably won't be bothered.

I'm going to fix some coffee and sit on the back porch, listen to the birds wake up. I hope that will calm my nerves.